When Receiving Love is Hard
For some of us, receiving love has become extremely difficult. We have worked and succeeded in giving love, in opening our hearts, growing in compassion for others. And yet, we have lost the ability or desire to receive love. This creates an energetic imbalance within our system, as evidenced by resulting resentment, compassion fatigue, burnout, even rage.
Some unconscious beliefs that lead to shutting out love might sound like:
“I don’t deserve love because I’ve made mistakes.’
“If I accept love, it will only be taken away.”
“The love that is given comes with conditions, and therefore, is not really mine. It’s an illusion.”
“There is only so much love to go around, and if I accept love, I am taking it from someone else who may need it more.”
“A good person gives without taking.”
“The longer I can go without accepting love, the stronger I am.”
“I am spoiled or selfish. I shouldn’t take any more—I’ve already taken too much.”
“I wouldn’t even know what to do with it if I received it, so why bother.”
“Only people with ‘real’ problems deserve love.”
What resonates with you? What beliefs can you add to this list? If these beliefs were productive and “true,” why would our bodies react with resentment, compassion fatigue, burnout and rage?
These beliefs were born out of early experiences, lessons we were taught explicitly and implicitly, and what our bodies—the bodies of innocent children—determined was needed to adapt. Circumstances may have made these beliefs necessary, but that doesn’t make them true.
For example, you may have been taught a good person gives love without taking love, but is that true? According to the laws of karma and nature, is that true? Is your dog only a good dog if he gives you love but never receives your love? Humans are animals, too. Do we live by different rules?
Intuitively, you know the answer: it is NOT true. You are not only good if you give love and never receive it.
In fact, what happens when we receive love? As an individual? As a society? It is in receiving love that we have more love to give, without condition or expectation. It is in receiving love that we become less reactive and defensive. It is in receiving love that we, our bodies and our societies, align to their higher versions.
But, granted, these beliefs are difficult to unravel, even if we can intellectually see they are not true, no longer needed, and no longer preferred. What do we do with them once we’ve identified them?
I wouldn’t recommend judgment, harshness or anything that resembles the absence of love. These voices within you, these beliefs, are the ones that need love the most. They have been without love the longest.
So, we honor them: Thank you for keeping me safe. Thank you for keeping me moral. Thank you for keeping me kind and compassionate.
We allow them: I give you space to exist, to have a voice and vote at the table. I also give you permission to reformulate into new beliefs, if that feels right.
We feel them: We identify sensations and qualities of emotional energy as it arises. We locate them in the body. We make space to cry, if needed.
We hear them: We allow the energy to speak, to wail, to throw a tantrum if needed. We can talk to them in our minds or write down a dialogue. We let them say it wasn’t fair, that they deserved better. We let them say life could have been different if only.... We hear them until they have exhausted their voice, until they are fully heard and known.
We entertain a few “what ifs”: What if it could be different. What if we could receive again. What if we DO deserve love, all of it. What if I am not to blame for carrying these beliefs for so long AND what if I am the only one who can heal them now? We leave the door open for these possibilities.
We sit in silence. In the gap of where these beliefs once filled a space in our minds, in our hearts.
And we close with a prayer or intention: thank you for the opportunity to open myself to love again, to receive what I have always deserved and never didn’t deserve, regardless of what was said to me or what I came to believe. I am open to love. I am enthusiastically available to receive love again. With gratitude.